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Failure to do so may mean that the only outfits left in the shop are a gorilla suit, a spacesuit, or – worst of all! – that purple velour suit that David Beckham wore when he married Posh Spice. 31 THE LITTLE BOOK OF WEDDINGS CAR HIRE Many couples like to hire a vintage car to make their trip to the church really special. If your budget will not stretch to a lovingly restored, 1920s-style convertible, your friendly local minicab company (usually called something like AAAAAAAARGH! Limousines) should be able to send round a clapped-out old Granada dating all the way back to the 1980s, with a lovingly restored figure on the mileometer, a genuine vintage tax disc and a lingering smell of ganja pervading the entire vehicle.

It is not, however, deemed appropriate to marry in bondage gear (a gimp suit does not come under the category of ‘Morning Dress’, and a horsewhip is only acceptable when marrying a member of the ParkerBowles family). 41 THE LITTLE BOOK OF WEDDINGS GOVERNMENT ADVICE A booklet of helpful advice for couples preparing to tie the knot has recently been produced by Her Majesty’s Government. Its key points can be summarised in one sentence: if you want a long and happy marriage, DO NOT, under any circumstances, marry a member of Her Majesty’s Government.

53 THE LITTLE BOOK OF WEDDINGS HEAVY PETTING Even Fido and Tiddles can enjoy the Big Day (assuming ‘Fido’ and ‘Tiddles’ are the Happy Couple’s domestic pets, rather than simply the Happy Couple’s nauseating pet names for each other). What could be cuter than walking down the aisle with your pooch togged out in his own little wedding outfit? However, do check with the vicar before you arrive: more traditional members of the clergy may raise objections to doggy fashion in church. 54 THE LITTLE BOOK OF WEDDINGS CELEBRITY KNOT SPOT!

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