By Debbie Barham
Covers all these very important lifestyles abilities similar to: easy methods to extract your leg from a randy puppy; forgetting the punchline of impolite funny story; getting your skirt caught on your knickers; and consuming a Railtrack sandwich.
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Additional resources for The Real Life Scenario Survival Handbook
If no penis is to hand, improvise using a rolled up copy of the inflight magazine. Allow your bladder to depressurise. When you are sure the pee has subsided, return your undergarments to the upright position. Your feet may feel as though they are bound together with tight ropes. This is probably your trousers. Tread water, and try to paddle towards the exit. The water level around the toilet floor may have risen to a depth of several metres. Remove your shoes and socks, and inflate your rubber life jacket as demonstrated by the cabin crew.
Form a large aperture in one side of the Duvet Cover by disengaging the poppers or buttons. Emit a loud roaring sound from the back of your throat. This may assist in scaring the Duvet into submission. 35 THE REAL LIFE SCENARIO HANDBOOK Perform a flying leap onto the Duvet Cover, spread-eagling your arms and legs as though making a parachute jump. When you land, grasp a corner of the Duvet Cover with each hand and use your feet to immobilise the other two corners. Without letting go of the outer cover, jerk your hands repeatedly in an upward direction to release the Duvet from the Duvet Cover.
Approximating in size to the dimensions of the average football pitch? e) A hotel room/student bedsit/someone else’s bedroom that you’re standing in? If you can answer yes to any of the above, the Duvet does not require changing. Close your eyes and stand ten paces away from the Duvet. Keep your mouth shut and inhale deeply through your nose. Can you still smell the Duvet? If not, the Duvet does not require changing. If changing the Duvet is unavoidable, first equip yourself with suitable tools.
The Real Life Scenario Survival Handbook by Debbie Barham